Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
