I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
