Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
