NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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