just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
