I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
