and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
