Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
