Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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