you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
