please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
