I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
