A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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