the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
