and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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