how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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