I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
