I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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