I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
