At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
