just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
