Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
