I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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