I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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