I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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