never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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