You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
