i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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