Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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