Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
