I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
