____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
