Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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