She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
