Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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