don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
