proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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