I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
