Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
