we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
