My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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