You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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