I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
