I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
