I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I want a musical about memes.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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