omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
