just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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