Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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