if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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