4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
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