Plan B is the new Plan A
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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