i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
