My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
